Do you honestly believe the government when they insist that they will not be sharing your data in the US–Kenya Health deal? Because if you’re trying to understand how not to sell anything, this is a textbook case. This government excels at good intentions — sincere promises, grand visions — but without credibility or action to back them up, it’s a road to hell paved with good intentions.
“Don’t worry — we will account for every shilling and dollar of the 220 BILLION shillings loan, and won’t share your data anywhere… we promise. We observe international standards, data protection, use secure servers and cooperate with partners abroad.”
Does any of that give you assurance—or do you quietly roll your eyes and think, “Here we go again… this is how not to sell anything.”
From deployment to Haiti, US Kenya health deal and sale of Safaricom shares
Or, the justification by Treasury CS Mbadi for the sale of the cow for the milk, all the while paying those advising you how to do so Ksh2.3 BILLION in fees? I’m referring here to the sale of your 15% stake in Safaricom, an asset currently generating Ksh 16 BILLION annually in dividends, to foreign buyers, for a song?
Ironically, the amount expected from this sale is almost the same as what Treasury itself has told us the country loses to corruption every two months.
And that, just as with the sale of our other strategic assets, the sale of your stake in Safaricom is for, wait for it, the “National Infrastructure Fund”- or is it for the “Sovereign Wealth Fund” (which is registered as a private entity)?
In fact, do you believe anything coming from the mouth of the national sales team? And since we’re here — did anyone ever explain the national interest or constitutional justification for sending our policemen to Haiti?
At some point you stop doubting the message—and start doubting the messenger. And that, right there, is how not to sell anything.
Here are the rules how:
1. How not to sell anything: Destroy trust first
It’s very difficult to believe a salesperson who has invested years nurturing a trust deficit against himself. Changing employers, changing products, or putting on a nicer suit doesn’t change it.
It’s you the market does not trust-and therefore whatever you are selling. If they don’t buy you, they won’t, your product. The hawker that conned you with the overpriced defective lamp, you will not now suddenly trust because he is selling tangerines and Vitamin C is good for you.
When trust is broken, as it is with Kenyans and their government, no amount of shape shifting will end it- it just makes it worse. It’s a perfect handbook on how not to sell anything.
2: Treat branding as make-up, not character
In marketing, rebranding is supposed to be a serious, expensive and strategic affair It’s an opportunity to re-engage with your customers-existing and potential. Your message? “We are new, bigger, better.”
Unfortunately, even in the corporate world, many times rebranding is a change of clothes, not character. If you are a Gen X or older you may remember when VOK rebranded to KBC and the anticipation it created.
Until we excitedly turned on the radio and it was the same programming with a new coat of paint.
A classic reminder of how not to sell anything.
You may like: Big brand name not automatic selling advantage
3: When cornered—keep rebranding, whatever the damage
Now this government has elevated rebranding to an Olympic sport – with tragic consequences.
Our national sales team uses it as a magical cure to systemic failures in education. “Is 8-4-4 the problem?” Simple, just call it CBC, problem solved. “Oh, they’ve caught up with our lies? No problem. Just call it CBE.” And keep “SUPER-EBE” at hand just for good measure – in case we need to rebrand again next week.
You see, such “rebranding” is expected to resolve everything: the acute teacher shortage, the grossly inadequate JSS/SS/STEM/Pathways infrastructure—classroom and books included—and the shrinking teacher motivation and salaries.
It will also counter the rapidly declining capitation to schools, which is frustrating their very day-to-day running, and pushing already over-taxed, barely employed parents to pay extra fees to compensate. Do you believe Cabinet Secretary (CS) for Education in Kenya, Julius Migos Ogamba will address the looming crisis in Education as he releases the KJSEA exam results?
Forget that we are talking about adversely affecting the futures of millions of school-going children- entire generations; and therefore, the social and economic fabric of the country. Forget that. Why let a national destiny interrupt a rebranding strategy?
Read: Does the education system make the A grade?
More shining examples of how not to sell anything.
“Oh, I forgot. Sorry. What’s that they are saying about World Bank funded 8-year-old NEMIS?” That it has ghost schools, ghost students and inaccurate funding allocation.
“Hiyo tu? Simply rebrand to something that sounds futuristic, official, and confusing. And voila! KEMIS – and all those problems will magically disappear.”
Just as ghost hospitals and fictitious claims did, with the change of clothes from NHIF to SHIF/SHA, or is it Taifacare, yes?
4: Sell Big Dreams, ignore the receipts- The 5-trillion shilling “Road to Singapore.”
“Hey, there’s method to this madness. Believe us. Just as Nyota Fund will work where Hustler Fund didn’t, all this chaos is stepping stones on the Road to Singapore. A trip that will cost us a budget of only 5 trillion shillings. I need Kenyans to think big. Like I did – and grew from chicken farmer to President.”
Let’s not talk about the small matter of Vision 2030 which should be coming to fruition in 5 years’ time. Wacha hiyo! That’s boring. Vision 2030 is so last decade. This Road to Singapore is the real deal. As I told you, “I’m the best thing that ever happened to Kenya.”
That we are in a barely breathing economy, collecting a wrung out 2.5 trillion shillings and paying 2.6 (and rising) in spiralling and inexplicable debt annually, thus perpetually borrowing, just to keep from drowning, is not a problem.
Don’t let choking debt reality spoil ambition—remember the restaurant owner who began with a grain of rice? The Road to Singapore is not a highway to nowhere as some described the SGR. This is progress. This is a super-highway to heaven—funded by unending lies and motivational speeches.
5: When the dream starts collapsing—quietly fold it back into the old dream
Get tongues wagging. Then — once public excitement and media hype reach fever pitch — simply change direction. Announce that after “consideration,” (read re-election) the Road to Singapore will instead be rolled into “failed Vision 2030.”
No explanation needed. No apology. Just a shrug and a “we are refining our national priorities.” Kenyans will grumble, being episodic, forget, and move on — until you sell the next grand plan. The next “Bottom Up” agenda.
How not to sell anything
If you want to lose credibility—or avoid ever being held accountable—keep selling new labels for old failures.
Nothing destroys trust faster than “solutions” that are simply repackaged problems.
So, the next time someone asks, “How do you sell reforms that nobody believes?”—hand them this guide.
They’ll learn from the best. how not to sell anything.
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