Do unto customers as you would have them do unto you
“You are so gullible. You have paid money to read something I wrote for free; would you give me a laptop for free if I asked of it from your electronics shop? No, you wouldn’t; yet here you are paying for a product that was not sold! How foolish!
What’s that you said? I didn’t hear you. Oh! I’m being rude? You think so? Well, you are the one who chose to read this article so, hhmph!-shauri yako! (Your loss). By the way, you can quit reading if you want to, eh!; I’m published anyway; why should I care whether you read me or not; shauri yako!
Your loss
What am I driving at, you wonder? Well, wait until I tell you! Sit still and wait like everyone else; just as I did at your exhibition stand while you excitedly, overtly and quite audibly, chatted about your weekend escapades. You did not notice when my disappointment drove me to the next stand. Or maybe you did, and chose not to interrupt more important ‘business’ matters like the superbly shining neon lights of the disco hall you had been to. I learnt from the best-you; so wait! You can quit reading too, though-good riddance! That’s one less person to criticize my writing. If you still haven’t figured out what I’m on about, you are so s-l-o-w!
You think I’m offensive. Ha! That’s your problem. Not mine. I’m the one who has the knowledge you need; I’m the author, not you; I’m the one in charge here, so you better toe the line. That’s how things are done here! I write, you read. I sell, you buy. I say jump, you ask how high?
Change? Tough luck
You mean you are still reading this? You must be pitifully idle. Or maybe you are hoping I will change? Ha! I wish you luck. Why should I change? What you wanted was an article to read and you have one, so quit complaining and read it! When I ordered for a meal and it came cold, I did not bother you to warm it, did I? No; I was too weak from hunger to complain and so I ate it cold. In any case, as I overheard you tell your colleague that if I’d wanted a warm meal I’d have eaten at home!
And by the way, not only was it cold, it arrived an hour late and wasn’t even my order. You should be thankful that this article you are reading has arrived on time, and is what you want! Otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading it, now would you? In fact, next time I will conspire to have this paper delayed, so that you queue like I did with twenty three (I counted) other account holders at your bank while you fidgeted with your phone, possibly updating your Facebook status. I imagine the post read #Theidlersarehere.
Complain all you want
Before I forget, your name sounds familiar. Yes, I remember. You commented about one of my earlier articles. Can’t remember what you said though. Doesn’t matter; just read this-it’s the way I write and the way you get information as one of my many customers; so even if you quit reading many others won’t. And even if they do, remember you are the one that paid for the paper, not me.
Incidentally, the only reason why I’ve kept you engaged this long is in the hope that my boss (the Editor) notices and stops his constant nagging about engaging our clients, as we should our parents-that is, with the respect they deserve. That, plus also, I’m running out of space, and like you, I have struggled to keep pretending to be busy so that time for closing shop reaches and I rid myself of these bothersome clients waiting in line. As I said, I learnt from the best. I learnt from you!
I’m sure you reckon you should ditch this article now, right?”
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